he looks like a really good dad on facebook
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
