saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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