but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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