Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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