My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
