he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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