My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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