I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
