Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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