i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
