Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
