he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
