we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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