he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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