drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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