that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
