I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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