if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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