Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
