we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
