I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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