I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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