Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
