it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
