my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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