All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Never joke about your clitoris.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
