she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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