FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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