someone threw a dead crab at me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
