I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
