Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
