I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
