you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
