Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i barfeds in our rink
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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