Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I understand Curling. That high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize