So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
