and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
