i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
