When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
