I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
