I must be too annoying 4 u.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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