4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
FUCK WHALES
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