I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
