forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
