I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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