We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
