She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize