Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
