Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
