his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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