Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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