woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
