if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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