I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
