you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
