I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
