You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
