Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
