it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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