Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize