All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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