So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the night ended with taco bell and tears
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
