I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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