he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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